S & M Files, Part VIII

Distribution Permission

This version of S & M Files is freely distributable provided that the copyright notice remains intact. All material in the Annals, unless otherwise stipulated, is copyrighted (1999-2006) to Michelle A. Hoyle & Stephen B. Dodd.

Hair Peace

I have discovered that my previously vaguely fashionable long locks are unheard of here. The current fashion is trimmer setting #4 on the top with #3 on the sides. Summer apparently sheds the heavy winter weight by using #3 and #2 respectively.


Cultural adaptations have caused a bedtime of 2-6 AM with a noon rising. All the better to accommodate our principle desire: cheaper Internet access after 6 PM.

Our Canadian roots are showing through. In Canadian time we are almost normal: bedtime 7-11 PM, rise 5 AM.

We must reform.

Further Weathering

The local paper has a weather map of UK. On it, as expected, is a picture of the region and the symbols indicating rain, rain or rain. The entirety of England, Scotland and Wales is covered in informative tiny black clouds of doom. One...two...three... why 14 of them. In fact, there is no legend indicating any other weather is possible.

Michelle corrects me and point out the map is in fact useful. Some of the little black clouds have a different number of rain drops under them, presumably indicating if it is wet or very wet in that region.

There is great local criticism of the weather forecast. Surprisingly, this is not because of continued rain predications. For instance, some years back the weather office failed to predict a little storm that blew through in the middle of the night that rearranged a few neighborhoods and transported a number of cars, trees and several billion pounds sterling to Iceland and Greenland. Europe predicted it quite nicely, but we don't listen to them.

I'm not sure what the difficulty is. I'm going to open up my own weather number:

Call 1-900 Steve's weather!

"Hello! Thanks for calling Steve's weather channel. Predictions guaranteed or your money back... Tommorow's computer forecast... 75%... chance of.... drizzling rain."

I can use the same tape everyday.

Radio Bits

BBC is quite good. Take the variety of CBC or NPR and cut it evenly with hot tunes, advice and stories such as:

A man here had his bank details stolen and by the time he discovered it he was sure he had been cleared out. The thief used the poor mans bank account to bet on the horses and sure enough the account came out £470 pounds richer. An incompetent thief but a least a good better.

A local community has a new town crier. Apparently he has been clocked at 130db.

Advice to men: Never wear her G-String. She will start sniggering and tell her friends who will snigger too.

The actor who played Darth Vader spoke all his lines during initial filming. He only found out that James Earl Jones's voice was dubbed over his when he actually saw Star Wars in the theatre.

The father of the bride mounted his daughter's and son-in-law's picture to the fireplace.
When she got divorced, and remarried, he took it down and remounted it.
When she got divorced, again, and remarried, he took it down again and remounted it.
When she got divorced, again, and remarried he cut out the old groom's head and pasted in the new head. It took three more pasted heads before the picture was replaced.

ATHENS. In attempt to clean up its act for the Olympics, the police adopted a radical policy of actually ticketing traffic offenders. Motorists are fuming after getting tickets for seemingly minor offences such as parking on the sidewalk, in right of ways and in the middle of traffic circles. Fortunately, in Athens paying your parking ticket is regarded as somewhat eccentric behavior.

The London Dungeon is having trouble finding actors to play plague victims because too many have the flu.

A Nitpicking Adventure

NEWS FLASH. This just in. Local couple experiences repeated head itch. Neighborhood pharmacy confirms the worst.

Our new hobby is talking and scratching and typing and scratching and reading and scratching.

Clack clack
   <scratch> <scratch>
Clack Clack.

Due to a strange heightened sense of agility, our typing speed has remained relatively <scratch> constant.

Yes! It's true! We found little beasties in our hair. They look like <scratch> cute little row boats with lots of oars. A perfect pet for your <scratch> <scratch> Sea Monkeys™. Sally Sea Monkey goes out for a walk with little lice beastie in tow. How <scratch> sweet!

We <scratch> collected up our little Sea Monkey pets, placed them lovingly in a fine china glass and took them out for walksies. Our destination: any doctor that would <scratch> us.

But we were denied! Spurned to wander the streets <scratch> <scratch> presenting our little glass of <scratch> row boat creatures to anyone who would <scratch> listen. <scratch>

"Hello? Are you taking new patients?"
   "Why certainly, how is a month from Friday for you?"
"Er," <scratch> <scratch> "uh, no." <scratch> [exit stage right]

When we <scratch> got home <scratch> you can imagine <scratch> <scratch> our conversation went something like this:

"I feel louse-y"
"You're not looking too mite-y fine"
   <scratch> <scratch>
"Actually, I'm right ticked off."
   <scratch> <scratch> <scratch>
"Well, you can't just flea."
   <scratch> <scratch> <scratch> <scratch>
"Now, that's just nit-picking" [exit stage left]

Stay tuned for further tales from the S&M front. Next week's adventure: "Globby goopy goop and long hair".

[Michelle's Mind]

S & M Files
Ep. 1 (I) | Ep. 2 (II) | Ep. 3 (III) | Ep. 4 (IV) | Ep. 5 (V) | Ep. 6 (VI) | Ep. 7 (VII) |
Ep. 8 (VIII) | Ep. 9 (IX) | Ep. 10 (X) | Ep. 11 (XI) | Ep. 12 (XII) | Ep. 13 (XIII) | Ep. 14 (XIV) |
Ep. 15 (XIV) | Ep. 16 (XIV)